So, yesterday I see the stickers on my car and they expire this month.  This alone was enough to make me cry.  But who cries over expired license plates?  Who cries over her child being sick?  I did.  I cried over these things.  I don’t think these things are the problem.  I think the problem is what I’ve been feeling for weeks.

I noticed it about a week ago.  I had invitations to go out with friends yet I turned them all down.  I gave dumb excuses and to some I flat out cancelled and told them I didn’t feel like it.  I haven’t really been in the mood to go to church, to do homework, to go to the gym to do anything!  I wish I could just stay in bed all day.  I’m not really interested in doing anything or talking to anyone.

I have felt this before.  I felt it when I got divorced for the first time.  I felt it when I was home alone and husband was nowhere to be found.  I felt it when I found out he was cheating on me.  I felt it when I found out my boy-friend was cheating once and over again.  I felt it when I rented my first apartment and felt lonely.  I felt it when I lost my kids.  I felt it when I was in trouble, every time I was in trouble.  I have felt these deep depressions.  They always come after a major event.

What surprises me this time is that there is no major event.  I’m working, going to school, spending time at the gym, time with my kids.  My ex-boyfriend has been very nice to me but we are not in a relationship.  I have family around me, willing to support me and to help me.  What else do I need?  Why am I feeling like this?  Why do I feel I don’t fit in anywhere?  Why do I feel no one needs me?  Why do I feel like there is no place for me here?  Why?

Saturday I made it to the gym again then I went to lunch with my aunt (the one I live with) and my mother.  It can be an interesting lunch when you’re having lunch with two ladies in their sixties.  During lunch my ex-boyfriend calls again.  By this time I had already asked everyone I knew to please go out with me Saturday night… I knew that if I didn’t have something to do I would end up spending time with either James or my ex… not what I wanted for my weekend at all.

“Dinner?…  Your place at six?…  ok I’ll be there,” simple as that and my weekend was ruined.  I went to dinner with the ex.  I made sure to mention that I was dating, that I was doing ok, all while he is telling me that he was laid off and has no money.  Not enough, we went back to his place and started drinking.  Finally I realize this is not going anywhere good.  In my intent to get out of that I text James “drank too much, can I hang out @ ur place till I sober up enough to drive home?”  I was feeling so defeated, I was doing everything I didn’t want to do.  “sure, be there in 30min.”

I arrive at his place hoping to spend some time talking, laughing and helping me sober up.  Five minutes after I walk in the door, door bell rings again.  There was a girl with beer, apparently someone he had been expecting.  Now I’m feeling stupid, drunk, and terribly awkward.  So I decide to leave.

Still too drunk to drive home, I drive back to my ex-boyfriend’s house.and spend the night there.  This whole scene made him think we are back together despite the many times I said “I’m dating, I would never get back with you, you cheated on me twice and threw out of your house the same number of times”  He is back to being Mr. Sweetheart. 

Will I ever be free from this?  Will things ever get normal for me?  I feel like everything that I had achieved has been sent down the drain.  I don’t have the heart to stop talking to my ex, especially now that he has lost his job… but I don’t want to be with him either… I know he will just cheat again… and James?  I don’t even know what to think of him?  Was she a friend?  She did mention she lived an hour away… maybe she too was too drunk to drive home?  What if they are FTFs?  I haven’t heard from him since?  Dating is way too hard.  I really wish I could just lock myself in the basement and never come out!!

The weekend is here again.  All week I’ve been so excited because I was going hiking.  On the way down from the camping event where James and I met he kept telling me about how beautiful the fall colors are in the Colorado Mountains.  Yes, stupid as it sounds I grew up here in Colorado yet I’ve never been hiking.

Early in the week James flaked out on me.  I think I might not be able to go… “Fine” I told myself, “I will just have to find friends to go with”.  I was so happy when I asked friends from work and so many were willing to go.  I also found it very interesting when James decided he was coming along after all.  “Oh but it would be all couples because all of my friends at work are married”, I announced to test the waters.  He reassured me that it would be no problem at all.

Beautiful Colorado weather decided to bring us rain/snow mix all week long.  We’ve had a dark rainy week.  Little by little people started to flake out.  No one wants to hike in the mud… wonder why?  So I popped in the idea of just driving up to Aspen.  I found a room for $80/night which is ridiculously cheap!!  James thought it was a great idea.

Yesterday I went to his house.  I had a little issue with my car which he offered to help with.  First thing I noticed was how good he smelled.  Big mouth that I have I couldn’t help but to ask… “So, do you always smell like this after a full day of work?”  Of course he denied doing that just for me.  He really thought I’d believe that he was planning to go to Bible Study.  Rest of the evening was pretty un-eventful.  We went out for dinner and back to his place to watch tv for a bit.  I asked if we could cuddle but he jokingly asked if I was insisting on a relationship… “No” I said empathically… wishing I could spill out my true feelings and tell him how desperate I was to get a big hug and kiss from him.  Before leaving he asked if I had the kids over the weekend.  “If you don’t maybe we can hang out Saturday night, get a group together and go for a drink”

His earlier comment made me feel so rejected that this morning I went to my ex-boyfriend’s house.  5:30 am I’m knocking at his door.  Surprised and sleepy he opens the door to give me a big hug.  “Missed you”, he said.  He let me cuddle on the couch for a little bit before I left for work.  The Aspen trip came up and he begged me to go with him to Aspen.

It’s Friday afternoon.  I know I shouldn’t go to Aspen with my ex.  I know I should not call or text James.  I know that I am being very clingy and co-dependent.  What I don’t know is how to break it.  How can I stop?  How can I be happy and not need a hug?  I don’t care about the sex, forget the sex… I just want a hug.  I just want to feel loved, protected.

I hope I survive this weekend without doing something stupid.  I like spending time with James but I’m spending all of my free time with him and his obviously not interested in me.  God help me… I need to make it through just one weekend.

After our very uneventful Saturday we went to play soccer on Sunday.  This was a lot of fun.  At four years old Jay can really kick a ball.  I, the little princess, as Rosie likes to call me, did an outstanding job at not being afraid of the ball.  We ran, we sweat, and had loads of fun and giggles.

The highlight of my weekend however, came on Sunday after church.  That is when James, my plutonic love and I went out for drinks.  I saw him at church but we didn’t talk much.  He’s very reserved and making sure no one at church thinks we are “together”.  It is fine with me; after all, I am just getting to know people too. 

I met James a couple of weeks ago at a camping trip.  This was our first gathering with people from church.  We are both new to this church.  It was weird.  I started conversation with him, as I did with everyone else there; but with James it was different.  Somehow we ended up spending most of the weekend together.  We exchanged numbers and kept talking and texting through the week.

Last weekend we had an awkward moment when I went over to his place to watch a movie.  We somehow ended up cuddling on the couch.  That is when we both realized how attracted we are to each other.  It was almost impossible to keep our distance, both our hearts were racing and I near fainted when he said “part of me just wants to lean over and kiss you right now”.  Was it possible?  I don’t even know this guy!  This is what is keeping me from jumping into a relationship with him.

Rest of the week was just plain awkward.  We didn’t talk, we didn’t text, I called a couple of times but he didn’t answer or call back.  By Friday I was sure I had lost him.  So, I turned the phone to silent and went downstairs to watch movies with the kids.  Boy was I surprised.  He called Friday night and Saturday night.  I was holding on to my pride with all my strength and didn’t call back either night.  By yesterday I was dying, I wanted to spend more time with him.  So, after church I asked if we could go for a drink.

After dropping off the kids I met him for a drink.  I had a blast!  It was so much fun, just talking about everything and nothing all at once.  Just getting to know him and letting him in on my thoughts as well.  If this is what dating looks like then I’m hooked!!  If this is dating then I want to date everyday!!!

I grew up at a weird sect like church.  Women are worth nothing and men have all the power.  I believed that for many years.  Being there and believing all their weird things directed me through a life of pain and turmoil.  Married at 16, had my first child by 18 and lived with an abusive husband for ten years. 

Those were ten years of back and forth.  I would gain the strength to leave him, only to fin myself lonely and isolated and turn right back to him.  The man had it good for 10 years.  I skipped college (as he wished), left a great job to be a stay-at-home mom, and cooked and cleaned from sun up to sun down.  Dont’ take me wrong, being at home with my kids was wonderful, the bad thing was when he could come home and I became a “mojada mantenida” (lazy wetback).

Finally after many years a life boat came along.  In comparison to the monster I lived with this man was an angel.  He bought me flowers, never hesitated to state how nice I looked, what a great cook I was and how he wished his ex-wife was half a good of a mom as I was.  Yes!  I was dumb enough to fall for that.  My husband made it very easy.  He was never home, always “practicing” with the church choir and getting home at 2-3am.

Unfortunate for me the life boat was wonderful only for a year.  A little before the one year anniversary he cheated on me.  Cheated with an ex-girlfriend of his.  Worst thing is I knew it was happening, yet I couldn’t leave.  I was too scared to leave.  I didn’t think I could make it on my own.  Two kids and a very low income!  How would I ever make it?

Somehow, somewhere, God gave me the strength.  I rented a dirty lil one bedroom in a gang infested neighborhood on the poor side of town.  My kids and I all slept in the same room, we never opened the windows or blinds no matter how hot it was.  I left for work at 5am and always hurried to my car, opened the door, got in and locked it up right away.  We lived in so much fear.  In the six months we lived there I called 911 four times.  Two of those times there were gang fights right outside my door or bedroom window.  Once I called because someone was knocking my door, I didn’t know them and they wouldn’t go away.  The fourth I coudl swear I heard a gun shot, but when the police came there was nothing for them to investigate.  I still wonder, who died that night?

Despite all the fear we lived in, I loved my place.  I bought some old furniture at yard sales and flea markets.  After moving into an empty apartment I had it furnished within a month!!  The kids and I got into fun routines.  We could sleep in our underwear, dance around the house and be happy.  There was no meanie to push us around

Soon the bills started getting harder and harder to pay.  I thought maybe buying a house would make things easier.  After all with the way economy is right now, buying is cheaper than renting!  Who knows maybe it could work… because of that thought I moved in with an aunt.  I don’t know my aunt, I’ve never spent time with her before.  This alone will be a new adventure.

Right now, I am living with people I don’t know.  I’m new at a church which I hope is not like the one I grew up in.  Trying to give my kids the best under circumstances I face.  All while trying to find Mr. Perfect because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.

If you have ever felt lost in this world… keep reading this blog is just for you.